Life is picking up but I feel kicked down.
It feels like the life I’ve always wanted is slowly but surely coming to me and yeah, I’m excited, but it feels foggy. I miss that day-before-a-field-trip excitement you’d get in elementary school. Even though I came to terms with the fact that every day isn’t going to feel like Christmas Eve I never expected to feel this sad. The dull thump in my chest and sinking feeling in my heart is getting all too familiar. I knew going into it that taking my prescribed meds on time every day was important but I didn’t know how difficult things could get if I didn’t.
It started with forgetting to bring them along with me when I spent the night at a friend’s house and progressed to me realizing I hadn’t taken them for three days but still just falling asleep. Why is it so hard to do the things that are good for you? Is this self-sabotage or laziness? Why am I just laying here overthinking it instead of getting up and just taking them?
Everyone else started to notice me pulling away before I did. My life was reverting back to the days where I’d sleep constantly and ignore my therapist’s phone calls. I was too embarrassed to admit to her that I’d been doing a bad job at doing a seemingly simple thing every day. I know now that that’s not an uncommon situation and there was nothing for me to be embarrassed about.
I started again and remembered to cut myself some slack. Taking care of yourself can be hard for ANYONE–not just me. With some help from friends and lots of alarms on my phone I’m doing a better job at not only taking my meds but meditating and relaxing too.
It’s okay to not be busy all the time. Yeah, the world keeps moving but that doesn’t mean it’s leaving me behind. I have enough time for a deep breath at the very least. ♦