i know that you think i am selfish when i say i want a kinder god

My grandmother gives me advice on finding a husband:
Don’t get any taller/
Don’t get any louder/
Do not make yourself larger than you need to be

My grandmother asks me why i don’t talk to her
My grandmother invites me to church
My grandmother reminds me:

i was married by your age

I cried in the natural history museum last month
Looking for a history to place myself inside

Maybe someday i will have found enough pain to prove that i do not deserve to hold any more
Maybe someday i will have found enough pain to stop looking for more

And i know that my grandmother still prays for me even though i can’t seem to thank her for
doing it anymore
And my grandfather’s liver is failing
And my grandfather’s cancer is back
And my grandfather’s stitches are healing
And my grandfather and i have never had a real conversation
And my hands don’t know how to pray anymore

And i hope that i am more than the things that made me.

By Indie Beare