Keianna

The day I “moved out” of my family home I didn’t realize that was what was happening. I went to a job that I dreaded working and missed out on a family event that I was really looking forward to. Then to escape the feeling of isolation I was engulfed by, I decided to spend the night at my grandma’s house.

I think it’s been about four months since I’ve been back “home.”

The places I’ve lived have alway felt unsteady to me, even if I’d been there for more than a year or two. With moving around so much and always having different people in my life, stability seemed to be a dream that I’d never be able to achieve. So I started making homes out of people. This wasn’t my brightest idea but I see where I was coming from. The problem was if anyone left me it felt like they were taking my home with them.

I started working on this when I realized it was a habit that was severely harming my mental health. I tried to think of people as people and my home as a place where I live. It went well for a while before I realized that my home environment was holding me back. This doesn’t have so much to do with my family but a lot to do with feeling too sheltered. Coming from a home surrounded by streets I didn’t feel safe walking meant I couldn’t get out much. I was constantly at home with my thoughts and that doesn’t work for me.

It wasn’t unusual for me to stay at my grandma’s for a week. I hadn’t even realized that I’d been staying with her for a month until my siblings asked if I was ever coming home. The truth was I didn’t know. I was starting to feel very comfortable here. My grandma gave me the freedom to go out and do stuff and I felt like I was gaining control over my life.

I’d always felt very nervous to move out. To “abandon” my siblings and father. I didn’t like the idea that guilt would eat me alive if I tried to be happier. The way I eased into it without even realizing feels easier on all of us. I fully acknowledge the privilege I have to get away from an environment that wasn’t the best for me. I’m so grateful for my grandma and the rest of my family for supporting me.

I’m finally somewhere where I feel comfortable enough not to hold myself back.