The harsh reality of time lost and not knowing mixed with the hollow feeling of first heartbreak has caused my dissent into the dreamland that I’m so desperately trying to make my every day life.
The words “codependent” and “far behind” are lingering right outside of this bubble that I have made to protect myself.
The steam from my lavender bath surrounded by healing crystals and dim candles fogs the words out and I can feel happy for a little while.
It feels like the band Last Dinosaurs knows exactly when I need to come to this place and releases music right on time to be the perfect melody that drowns out the sounds of people asking when I’ll go back to school. Here nothing hurts for more than a minute then there’s only floating on top of it all. Here I learned to hug myself so that I won’t need anyone else.
Shame on me for even wanting anyone else. Here I don’t wait for someone else to write me a love letter.
I do it for myself without worry of it making sense and it gives me butterflies and amplifies the crush I have on Keianna Janae Johnson.
It goes something like this:

I love you, Keianna.
I love the way you look at the bright side of people.
I love the way your hair curls down your back and frizzed at your shoulders when you weren’t sure what to do with it.
I love the way you can cry every tear in your body for someone else’s pain.
I love how unsure you are. How picky you are with people.
How silly you are for choosing the ones who hurt because you know they’re worth it.
They deserve to feel a love like yours even if they don’t appreciate it.
Everyone deserves a love like yours.
Even you.
Keianna, I love your hands and their tiny way of making things special.
I love the way you gently put yourself to bed, blankets folded into a pocket and you safe inside.
Keianna, I’m sorry love was taught to you like “right person, wrong time”.
I’m sorry no one was ever ready for you.
I forgive you for saying those things. You were young and fresh into a world of people who had been through it already.
You’ve always been a whole person and still will be after this.
You can’t change the past so stop beating yourself up about it.
Whatever was going to happen was going to happen before the sun sent you to warm the people around you.
I’m so sorry life has been cruel to such a soft person.
My heart breaks for you, myself.
If anyone deserves a trip to dreamland
It’s you. ♦