My life has been moving quite fast recently. School has become an endless cycle of embarrassment and anxiety, which is strangely comforting because my schedule is drilled into my head–it’s like I’m prepared for the nervousness that I feel everyday in school. My brother came to visit a few days ago and he talked to me about school. He said that when you’re a boy and you’re different than other people in school, you get beaten up. But he said that when you’re a girl and you’re different, you’re shunned and excluded. He said that being a girl is worse–popular girls never forget. I understood what he said completely. I’m always feeling excluded–it’s the story of my life. My sister told me that my brother said I’ll be fine. That comforted me.
I’ve been applying to colleges recently, and it’s a reality check (a well-needed one). I’ve been daydreaming for so long and I feel like dreaming is essential for me to hold onto the creativity that I have, in a world that wants to keep me down. But I don’t think it’s right for me to daydream in my lessons anymore–I really need to concentrate if I want to get good grades.
I finished reading Carrie recently and I realised that popular people hate me just as much as I hate them. They see me–someone who’s different and who doesn’t feel the desire to conform–and they get angry because I ruin their “perfect” lives. They don’t want me to be there (which explains the constant staring and sarcastic compliments that I’ve received during my time at secondary school).
But I know that none of this matters. All I know is that I want to pass my GCSE exams, go to college and study English and sociology, and I want to get a belly button ring like Beyonce has in the fold out poster that comes with the Destiny’s Child Survivor CD. Everything else is white noise to me. ♦