Here’s something pretty RAW and REAL.
For a long time, I felt a little muddled in my identity. I did that empathy project and learned about that psychosocial development pyramid that says I’m at the, “Who am I?” phase. For someone that’s always felt somewhat centered when it comes to my values/morals, I’ve been feeling a weird increasing separation from myself. I think this comes from my 1 1/2 year hook stint on this boy, who I’ll call, “the nicest asshole I’ve ever met.” This nice asshole came into my life at a really weird time. I was really into QSA and being involved in the queer community. I was friends with this other queer girl that idolized “gold star lesbianism.” It had taken a minute to come to some basic terms with my sexuality, but I wasn’t sure if I could keep up with that gold star thing, since I don’t like following things that box me in. I hate feeling trapped, and in that moment I felt trapped as a strictly women only lesbian. I had also experienced my first real heartbreak because of this girl. So when Mr. Nice Asshole came along I was like, “OMG! My way out!”
Even though I claimed to be fully accepting of my sexuality, I still had trouble being open about it. I’m a private person, and I only want a select few people knowing the more intimate details of my life. This crush I had (and still have) on this girl who’s everything good and nothing bad, got swept under the rug. I also told myself I wasn’t good enough for her since I would be so sheltered. So I let the part of me that’s into masculinity and hairy arms and straightness, indulge. I had a lot of shitty boy crushes, obviously including Nice Asshole, and as I come to the end of the school year (literally a week left) and the end of these crushes, I realize that a lot of that separating was coming from me suppressing the part of me that likes girls. The other day I just happened to run into the girl I like and I was like, shocked at how much I still like her. I’d always put her on the back burner. But I’m glad I took so long to get back in touch with my queer roots. Now I have a more mature idea of my sexuality and identity that I’m happy with. ♦