Thahabu

My anxiety can mean that simple assignments from school, such as final papers and projects, intimidate me into putting them off until the last minute. Once I start them and realize how easy they are, I get mad at myself for being afraid of tackling such mundane tasks. Then I get distracted and it takes me longer to work on the project. I need to get in the habit of starting projects earlier so I can allocate longer periods of of time to do them piece by piece each day or week, instead of being overwhelmed with a task the week before its due.

Past friendships are making me apprehensive about the new ones I’ve made this semester. Since the fall, I haven’t been as comfortable meeting new people and creating relationships with them as I used to be. Last summer, I learned that a friend of over three years admitted that our entire friendship was a farce. She befriended me so she could have someone to project her problems on to, then got mad and called me names when she handed me a problem I didn’t care to solve. It was unsettling to know that someone could so easily pretend to be my friend and by doing so suck all the energy out of me. I know it’s common to be insecure about a romantic relationship, but is it normal to have those same concerns when entering a new friendship? People are naturally attracted to me, so I get approached by strangers a lot, but now I rarely think of us becoming friends. Past platonic relationships were also based on how much emotional labor I could provide for others. I’ve slowly cut those people out of my of life, but that fear of being used again lingers in my psyche. Whenever I’m talking to someone new I think, What if they end up using me? They probably have some ulterior motive.

A few months ago, I was sitting in the cafeteria listening to music when this funny kid from one of my classes came over and asked if they could sit with me. I was shocked that they’d seemed to think I might reject them. We enjoyed our meal together and exchanged numbers. A few days later they texted me asking me if I hang there often, and if I do that we should hang out between classes every week. I hadn’t even considered the idea of spending time with them after that one interaction, because I assumed they didn’t want be my friend. I’m happy they proved me wrong, and I agreed to this arrangement, but it’s sad that I can’t fathom having a new person enter my life without trying to gain something from me. I’ve had a flurry of similar interactions this semester. I made two new friends in my Asian American Women’s studies class. We initially bonded over the mutual side-eyes we give students who say offensive things, but we hadn’t spoken outside that context. It wasn’t until one of the girls tapped me on the shoulder as I was walking out, and told me that she likes the comments I make in class that I realized they had genuine interest me. I was surprised.

At the end of our next class meeting, both girls invited me over to their side of the room. The girl who tapped me invited me to her birthday party and asked if we follow each other one social media. The other followed me on Insta, and we ended up seeing a documentary film together. That experience was really affirming because the film was sooooo vapid and lacked intersectionality. When it was over I initially kept my negative thoughts to myself, but she broke the silence: “I hated that film, it was so white feminist-y, I don’t know how I’m gonna write about it.” I was relieved to have my feelings mirrored. Sometimes, when I dislike something that happens to center a white woman’s story I think I’m just being harsh or bitter. Her agreement confirmed my feelings. We spent the next hour walking through the streets of Manhattan yelling and laughing about the $10 we’d wasted on our movie tickets. I was so comfortable. ♦