Fatma

Sunday
It’s the day before my birthday and I’m sitting on my bed listening to Steve Lacy. I’ve been feeling at peace with myself recently, as though I can finally think clearly and breathe properly.

My grandmother visited me two days ago, like she does every year when my birthday is coming up. “15 years old,” she kept repeating. “You’re a young lady now.”

That’s when it really hit me: I’m growing up. The best part is I’m OK with it. I like that I’m constantly evolving and changing as time goes by, because I think change is vital. It’s not like I’m trying to force change in my life. I think of my evolution as a fade from one scene to another in a movie, rather than a quick cut. As I get older, I’m fading into different versions of myself.

Now I have just one year until I’m finished with secondary school. At night, I dream about the independence I’ll have in college and university. I’m driving down an endless dirt road, and the sand is yellow and dry. The sun has just set but the sky is still light. The sky is a pale blue and the wind is blowing through the windows. I’m the only person in the car. The radio is playing and I feel at one with myself. I can’t wait until this dream comes to life. I wish I could pick out my dreams and live them out. This one is not that hard to make a reality (I just need a driver’s license). I can’t wait until then.

I remember when I was 12 and 13 and I felt so stuck: I wasn’t a little kid any longer, but I was never considered old enough. My thought processes were starting to change yet I couldn’t go places by myself. For a long time, I felt like nothing I thought mattered because I was still so young. Now I know that what I think is valid.

Although my birthday falls on a Monday, my love life is non-existent, and I can’t seem to balance taking care of myself and doing my homework, I like the person I’m becoming. I’m accepting of all the past and future versions of me. I wonder if, when I’m asleep, all of the different versions of me huddle around my bed, hold hands and hum Kali Uchis songs to keep me asleep. That would be so cool. ♦