Simone

In conversation with my closest confidante, I often refer to my head as gassed, which I think is an appropriate description, both physically and metaphorically.

A few days ago, as I was analyzing the over-expectations selfish people have of the world, I admitted my own guilt to my best friend: “I think everyone—well, I used to do it more, but I assumed everyone would just love me, so I was always let down by people’s indifference to or dislike of me.”

Before I’ve even finished, she chimes in. “I used to resent you for thinking everyone liked you all the time.”

She is alluding to a confidence that is only half the result of my inflated ego, and more the side effect of a blissful (and mostly willful) ignorance to any inkling of animosity toward me. This determined confidence is what guided me through most of high school, and for those two or so years without worry, I am thankful. But then there’s reality.

My comfort began to be challenged sometime last year, when my best friend—then my new best friend—made clear the social challenges I faced as we attempted to conquer the adolescent social landscape. It felt like middle school all over again. I was made to notice problems I’d previously ignored, except this time it wasn’t hair on my legs, it was how eager I was when asking a where the party was, or my assumption that a group of six would love to accommodate one more.

We butted heads for a good portion of junior year. While I supported the theory of liked until proven disliked, a presumption of neutrality wasn’t enough for her.

“I used to resent you for holding me back. I just wished you weren’t so insecure.” My response is true, but my optimism is still at play. It’s far easier to credit social losses to the apprehension of your sole social advisor; it’s as if I can’t even consider the option that I wasn’t as savvy as I thought (and think) myself to be.

Not really matured so much as jaded, I’ve reached an acceptance of strangers’ neutrality. I know that no one really cares about me enough to like me, and the few that have formed an opinion know me too well to judge without bias. Ultimately, no one’s opinion holds much weight but my own. Thanks Disney Channel. ♦