Fatma

Many of the films and songs that I loved when I was younger have been popping up again, recently. A few days ago, The Princess Diaries was on TV. I remembered being 10 years old and watching it multiple times a day. That same day, I had one of the worst panic attacks I’ve ever had. I was crying and struggling to breathe, but my mother helped calm me down. We talked, she has struggled with depression in the past, so she understood when I said that I felt I had no purpose in life and disliked going to school. I explained that school makes me nervous and anxious, and that I don’t understand why I’m in a place—five of the seven days in the week—where I feel that way.

She told me that there were so many signs that I’m meant to be here. We decided that it would be a good idea for me to start seeing the school counsellor, because my moods change really quickly and I’m scaring myself. I know that I’m naturally a really happy and bright person, when I’m in a positive space and when I feel comfortable. However, when I go to school, I’m a completely different person. I don’t speak, smile, or laugh. These two personalities are constantly battling and recently, the sad, hopeless side of me is overtaking the bubbly, happy side. I’m upset about that. It’s like there is one, grey cloud over my head, pouring rain only on me. It’s a weird feeling.

What upsets me most is letting my 10-year-old self down. When I was younger, I had so much hope for the future. I was so excited to be a teenager; I couldn’t wait to enter a new realm. But it’s not how I thought it would be. When I watch the beginning of Space Jam, I remember how excited I was to grow older. Watching the young Michael Jordan play basketball after midnight in his back yard without missing a shot was so special to me. He says to his dad, “I want to play at North Carolina, then I want to play in the NBA.”

“Alright, lets slow down, son. Shouldn’t you get some sleep first?”

Young Michael Jordan says, “Once I’ve done all that, I want to play baseball, like you.”

“When you’ve don’t that, I suppose you’re going to fly huh?” his dad replies.

It’s such a beautiful scene! I’ve always thought it was cool that when Michael Jordan was young, he was so certain of who he wanted to be and what he wanted to do with his life. I had ambition like that, too, but it has slowly started to fade away.

But I know I’m not going to let this negative side of me win. By surrounding myself with positive people and talking to a counsellor, I know I’ll be OK. I have to find a way believe in myself. ♦