Keianna

My mother was supposed to visit us this weekend. This story doesn’t have a particularly happy ending, so you might want to look away. (Yes, I’ve been binge watching A Series of Unfortunate Events.) I’ll admit, I was really excited when I heard I’d be seeing my mom. It’s been a long while and I was sure everything would go exactly as planned.
I seem to always end up envying the more naïve past-me.

I spent a lot of my younger years wishing I didn’t care about her. That sounds so horrible but it’s true. The way I saw it, if I didn’t care about her anymore I wouldn’t get hurt. I’ve written about being envious of others’ relationships with their mom before. I haven’t felt that way lately.

My mom has been doing better. I’m really proud of her, but there’s always this sense of uneasiness that comes with an impending visit. I wonder how different life would be had the rupture in family would never happened. Where would we be living? What would holidays look like? If given the chance, would I want to change everything?

This story of “mom’s not coming after all” isn’t a new one. The tale is a constant in my life. The difference this time is that I’m excited for when I can see her, because maybe things will actually stay good this time. ♦