I’m at Seattle-Tacoma Airport thinking about **** and things to talk to him about. Jasmine said he sees me differently since I told him I like him. I am worried that this won’t go anywhere and I’m scared and sad for that, because I really really like him. But I’m realizing that doesn’t really matter, because if he doesn’t like me it just won’t happen.
I can maybe feel myself getting sad again, waiting for him to reciprocate. I wish he would just tell me if he likes me: yes or no. If he says yes, that’s great and amazing and exciting. I am scared for him to say no. If he says no this will be like last year, when I was all heartbroken and depressed and lovesick. I don’t want experience those bad feelings ever again.
I’ve been sad lately, though, and I’m wondering if that’s foreshadowing my bleak and dreary future with him. I try to trust my Magic Eight ball and my pendulum, but I wish was just full on clairvoyant so I could just fucking know if I’m gonna be crying for a month straight again. I really feel like crying thinking about this. I want things to be OK but I also have to be realistic. I know this mindset is a trap, since it doesn’t allow me to fully expand on and achieve my dreams. But, if I am being fully honest, **** is the main thing/person/idea I dream about.
I don’t know why I’m so willing to be there for him. I ask myself, Is it worth it? Does he give a shit about me? I’d like to believe so. However, believing in something doesn’t always make it true. Willpower can sometimes nudge things into place, but not move mountains, and **** is fucking Mount Everest. I can’t move someone if they don’t wanna be moved. Maybe I’m so high up in my idealistic Pisces dream cloud that from my view, the mountains don’t seem so big. They’re just grassy green foothills in the distance. Then when I remember I’m a human with mass, and clouds are just water vapor, and gravity exists, I fall hard on my ass onto these gargantuan, rough and rocky mountains that are finally coming into perspective. Why couldn’t I have picked an easier boy to like? Or at least a smaller mountain? ♦