It’s time for me to Get Real about everything. I really mean everything. I’m forcing myself into some heavy reflections where I actually have to ask myself if I’m happy with who I am and the plans I have for myself. Part of getting real is realizing that no, I’m not really happy. So this entire week, I’m making sure I CAN be happy with myself.

I’ve already gotten rid of friends that don’t support me. Now I have to really crack down on college apps and actually think about what I wanna do for the rest of my life. I’m proud of myself because I have been really proactive and I think I have a plan. I want to stay in California and go to film school and take psychology at a community college. Then I could move to France and be an au pair or something, because I really think immersion will be a good way for me to learn French.

Another part of getting real has to do with my social interactions with people. I have to understand that the things I say have an impact on people. For example, I’ve been really fucking UP with this boy I like. Like a yearlong fuck up. I was so invested in hoping that he liked me that I didn’t realize he actually did and now I’m like, “Oh my god how do you make someone like you again???” I’m really bad with this romance stuff because of this shitty thing that happened last year, and so I push this boy away because I’m scared. But I feel so stupid for being scared because that’s what ruined everything in the first place and it’s ruining everything now. I know if I was just nice to him things wouldn’t be so complicated, but this feeling of inadequacy has been following me ever since the last shitty thing that happened and I hate how even though I’m over that person, what they did is still having an impact. But when I think about this boy who wasn’t involved in what happened to me, who’s still on the receiving end of all my shit, I get angry with myself for making him suffer through my heartbreak. He’s so nice and he doesn’t deserve it. I just want to be nicer to everyone, but it’s not that easy. ♦