Fatma

I’ve started watching My So-Called Life (I’m on Episode Four) and it’s so good. It portrays young people in a true and accurate way, which is so cool. I’ve also just got into listening to Chance the Rapper’s music, and I can’t believe I hadn’t listened to it sooner. The church choir mood of his music makes me feel really happy and motivated. It’s great for when I don’t really feel like doing my homework, because it puts me in a positive mood and makes me want to get my work done.

I spent most of yesterday listening to his music and cleaning up my room. I still feel like I have more to add to my bedroom. My Kill Bill posters looked really cool but I still felt like my room didn’t really belong to me and that it was too plain, so I added some polaroids from my summer vacation and it looks better already. My dad was supposed to put the David Bowie artwork that I bought months ago up on the wall, but he still hasn’t done it. It’s not as if he’s even busy. (He’s constantly watching Germany’s Got Talent auditions on YouTube and we’re not even German. I think he lets autoplay guide him into very weird cracks of YouTube.)

Sometimes when I’m in my room I can feel so lost. It’s not always a bad thing, though. Yesterday, I screwed in my spinning disco light bulb, which makes me feel like I’m in a weird club; it makes bright, spiral patterns on my walls. I listened to Solange’s A Seat at the Table and let the blue, green, and red of the spinning light glow around the room. I’d never felt so content just being alone. I’ve always thought that NASA is hiding aliens from us humans, because they want us to feel alone (“Mars” by Kelis explains this really well). Society wants the non-conformists to feel as if they’re standing in the middle of a dark, huge, empty abandoned house with no exit door. As if we are alone, and there is no human contact for miles and miles. As if we are alone. I used to wish that I lived on Neptune because it’s a blue planet (my favorite color). But the main reason I wished to live on Neptune was because it’s the planet that’s furthest from the Earth (if you discard Pluto).

But then I realized that my bedroom can be my own planet, if I want it to be. I sometimes forget that I have just as much of a right to be comfortable in this world as anyone else. I have to remember that. My goal right now is to make my bedroom into Neptune. I hope that’s not too big of an aspiration. ♦