I’m back in the thick of rejection. After applying to nearly 20 places, I got an interview with two or so, and haven’t heard back from or have been rejected by the others. Yet, I feel this time around, the feeling of defeat hasn’t been able to settle. Whereas I’d normally be in a depressive state over all of this, I’m at the “fuck it!” stage of it all, primarily because I spent this semester doing very little. For once in my whole life, I’ve been comfortable with that. I had an exhausting amount of work and learned the importance of time management. It’s OK for me to watch a movie as opposed to pitching pieces or something.

The only time I felt truly down in this whole process is when I lost out to people who I felt were under-qualified. Then, I realized I had to stop comparing myself to others, stay in my lane, and focus on me. I haven’t given up, but if I can’t find anything, I’m going to have to invest in myself. I’ve been listening a lot to the Making Oprah podcast and trying to build up the strength to keep moving forward. “Making my own way in 2017” makes for a decent tweet, but setting plans in motion is much harder. I thought the path to follow was going to school, picking up skills, networking, landing an internship. I’m finding that not to be the case. Besides, many of my idols had to clear their own pathway; I have to be prepared to take on that task.

Another thing is knowing when to take advice, what to take from it, and how to just decide things for yourself. Career advice is aplenty, but good advice that is applicable to your life isn’t. I find that sometimes I’m better off listening to myself. Most of the people telling me things don’t know what they’re talking about. No one wants to admit that we’re all out here winging it and hoping for the best—the ability to pay your rent on time or to have some money to get fresh with.

I was told telling people your resolutions would mean that they can’t come true. I’m not sure of that. I know I have to speak truth to power. To put forward an idea or declaration in real time reminds me that it’s important: I revisit it. I haven’t achieved every single declaration, but I’ve come close to doing most of them. For me, right now, that’s good enough. ♦