Keianna

Considering that being by yourself is unheard of in my house, “alone” is a feeling rather than a physical phenomenon. Having many people living with me ensures that something is always happening, and that I’m never truly by myself.

Sure, there are times during the day when you might be alone in your room while everyone’s busy, but that lasts 10 minutes. Yeah, you’ll have time to take a shower, but there will be knocking on the door the entire time. Don’t forget about the complaints you’ll get for using “all the hot water.” There are trees all around my house that trigger my allergies, so unless I’m up for being sick for the whole week, hanging out in the backyard for an extended period of time is a no-go.

School is something of a safe haven. My younger sisters go to the same school as me but are so much younger that we don’t see each other often. This gives me a chance to form memories and experiences of my own.

I can tell there are long-term effects of being with people so often. Being alone in public is one of the most awkward things that I have to do. I’m not saying that I’m not awkward all the time, but not having a sibling or family member with me at a store or in a public place makes me panic.

It might be a good idea for me to do some adult things by myself, but my dad’s a little strict when it comes to going places. Recently I went on the train to the arts district in L.A. with just a friend. It was a big milestone for me because it’s the first time I was allowed to do something like that. I hope soon I’ll be able to go alone. I’m nervous that I’ll never be able to get over my dependency on other people. Can you imagine having to do things alone when you’re older? Like grocery shopping??? Growing up seems so surreal because, right now, youth feels like a forever thing.

At home I do feel alone sometimes. That’s probably because none of my family shares the same interests as me. I love my camera and creating things, but sharing that often ends up with me being made fun of. The way I dress isn’t anything like my sisters, and they constantly feel the need to speak negatively of things they don’t like. It’s hard to not feel bad about myself. I wish my family would just leave me alone when they have nothing positive to say about me. It really gets me down. I’m supposed to feel supported at home.

Once, I woke up in the middle of the night to sleepily write down something someone said in one of my dreams. When I woke up the next morning I had scribbled, “I’m as bitter as dark chocolate.” Yeah, that pretty much sums up my current feeling while writing this. ♦