Britney

Texts I would’ve sent had I felt like there was a point and a person to justifiably receive them:

Just now:

Just took the BIGGEST L with this bio exam n I still haven’t done the lab that I lack the most basic understanding of because ??? what is my teacher doing….what am I doing…lmao first choice college here I come I can’t wait to tell the children I never wanted to have how easy it is to give up on your dreams when you’re a well-rounded failure.

Maybe yesterday, or even right before I fell asleep at 3:45 AM this morning:

This boy is so beautiful that it’s disgusting and I used to use that word to describe souls that collapsed into mine as well as they could but now I mean it in the most shallow sense and wow he’s so beautiful that every time i touch or see him or he utters some sliver I shake but it doesn’t mean anything except the fact that my libido is spilling over the edges of my acts of sublimation and I don’t like it because it makes me think I could really like him which is a BIG joke he is a joke lol.

Anytime between this weekend and today, 12:12 AM:

Today is my Mommy’s birthday and I would do something to make it official if I wasn’t an imp with no money and too much to catch up on….I can’t afford sentimentality anymore….it’s started to feed.

Anytime, to this boy, who is a different boy and not a Boy but a friend who is not a Friend:

I hate you I can’t believe I used to look up to you what a fool I was for a month don’t ever tell me to shut up again don’t ever tell me that I seem passive again you should be lucky that I don’t want to come at you full force because then you’d never leave the house….boys think I am so easy to violate but if I ever turned what is boiling in my pit towards any of you I would have to etch a red hourglass onto my back…once I saw you and I was shaking so hard because something kept telling me ‘there’s something sinister here’ and that was when I still wanted to know you as well as I could and it was so confusing but now I know how valid I was the unspoken thoughts you are afraid of scare me and I wonder what my fear would be if I knew them.

Tomorrow:

I think I did it again. ♦