Illustration by Sofia Bews.

Illustration by Sofia Bews.

I am not always proud of what I do. Case in point: I once was in a close friend’s wedding and the bride had to pee, with her enormous dress on. I walked her to the hotel suite’s bathroom and held her dress up around her as she sat on the toilet. Averting my eyes, my glance landed on a cute little pouch on the counter that looked like a makeup bag. It said “Bridesmaid Emergency Kit” on it, and, as I held the dress away from my friend’s pee stream, I reached over to grab the bag. WHAT COULD IT BEEEEEE?

The bride wiped. I was holding her dress with one hand and unzipping the pouch with my other hand, pawing through its contents. Safety pins! Mints! Stain remover, hair ties, earring backs, double-sided tape, all in the teeniest of tiny sizes!! What a great idea! Who thought of this? Why was this only marketed to brides?? I needed this in my everyday life! I was amazed, so lost in wonder over such a useful item that I failed to notice my friend, the beautiful bride, attempting to walk to her wedding party with layers of tulle still tucked up, showing her ass.

I ran after my friend and fixed her dress. Then I ran back to the bathroom and stole the pouch (sorry, Kelly). I needed it, you see. I needed it to be a model for my own kit, my Minor Life Emergency Kit, a kit for a person who has no interest in marriage but is very interested in spilling taco sauce on any and all new shirts.

Since I created my own Minor Life Emergency Kit, I’ve noticed something: first and foremost, I’m able to help myself in small, tricky situations, but also: I’m a hero when I go out. Whatever it is, I probably have something in my little kit that can help, and it’s made me some grateful friends! Everyone knows I can help, and I am summoned when there is a problem.

I carry my Minor Life Emergency Kit in my regular bag, since it’s really small. Here’s what’s inside the kit, which is a small (hand-size), soft leather bag with a zipper that I found at a thrift store:

  • An adorable pill case with three compartments, which hold:
    1. Ibuprofen (headaches)
    2. Benadryl (for sudden allergic reactions) and knock-off Claritin pills (for non-drowsy allergy situations)
    3. Cold/flu pills (two DayQuil pills) or two antacid tablets

  • Tiny pack of tissues (doubles as toilet paper in sketchy bathrooms)
  • Stain-removing wipes or a stain pen
  • Lip balm (not just for lips! You can use lip balm to smooth frizzies and rub on your cuticles)
  • Two Band-Aids
  • A pop-out mini brush with a mirror
  • Bobby pins tied together with several hair ties
  • Safety pins (pinned together so they don’t go everywhere in the bag)
  • Travel-size dental floss
  • Earplugs
  • Two tampons (the most restocked item in the kit)
  • A very small bottle of contact solution
  • A teensy pack of gum or mints
  • Travel-sized deodorant
  • A tiny roll of duct tape (hands down the most useful item, it is amazing what duct tape can fix)
  • A small pocketknife (careful taking this on planes!)
  • A lighter (ditto!)
  • A roll of quarters (a weapon wrapped in your fist, an emergency phone call, laundry money, parking meters, road tolls)

I solemnly swear to you that if you make this kit and carry it with you as a habit, the time will come that you literally save someone’s entire day. Don’t let your friends bleed through their underwear or lose their hearing at a too-loud show! Save them! Save yourself! ♦