Lilly

Sometimes I hardly feel cognizant of the days passing. I go to work and come home and shower and eat and sleep and repeat until a coworker asks me the day of the week and I practically have to count them off on my fingers from the last time I looked at a calendar. “It’s Wednesday…I think?” I tell them. “It’s Thursday,” says my boss. Shows what I know.

I’ll be honest. This is not the idyllic summer of my early high school dreams. Some of my friends have part-time jobs, but most of them keep theirs lowkey, below 25 hours per week—while I’m too tired for running and hiking and even just hanging out after being on my feet, surrounded by people, for 35+. Already this summer there are so many things I’ve meant to do—self-study physics, run every day, spend more time outside and in the garden—and instead I can barely roll out of bed to make it to a 10 AM shift. It feels silly to be complaining about working less than full time. It feels childish to try to act like oh, I’m not used to it, that’s why it’s so hard!

But my outlook is changing, too. I haven’t seen any of my friends in days. Maybe weeks, now. The last time I went out with any of them I cringed when I swiped my debit card to pay for my food and it felt like an end to something. The $15 I spent that night sat tauntingly in my bank statement later and now I look at them and I think, I’m not a child anymore. I just signed away the next four years of my life in federal loans and promissory notes. Right now it feels as if it will take a miracle for everything to work out as I always pictured it.

I’m not making sense. What can I do? I work. I text my friends, but I don’t see them, don’t spend what I’ve earned if I can avoid it. I try to sleep a lot and most of the time I end up sleeping only a little. It’s odd. I feel odd lately. I’m not sure what I can do about it. It will soon pass, I hope. ♦