Steffany

As I type this, I’m receiving text messages from the most consistent friend I’ve probably ever had. Consistent in that she’s there when I need support and is always affirming my visions. be they off the cuff or half-thought-up, she’s standing by to cheer me on. Over the years, other friendships have been demoted to “hey girl!/see ya around!” status. The gang of girls I took up with in college are cool, too. Only one is my real ace, but we haven’t had a tough situation to work through or an exchange of what feels like life-altering secrets to cement a best friendship. We resort to saying things like, “ you’re the closest friend I have here!” or “we have so much in common, it’s wild.” I’m totally OK with that for now.

I haven’t completely been able to process the feelings I’ve had this week, to do with losing a friend (permanently, I hope) and the reappearance of an old one. I’m increasingly frustrated with people whom I care for holding on to my ankles as I try to soar. It isn’t on purpose. It manifests itself in different ways. For example, that text was a series of memes, followed by “this was you in 9th grade hahaha.” The first in a series of messages that try to pin 14-year-old me down in some way. That was five years ago. I am not that person anymore, and I won’t be able to grow if I have to keep revisiting that person.

I guess it’s pretty common for people to look backward out of fear of looking forward. I’ve just always had a forward thinking attitude, sometimes to my own detriment—stressing myself out about impending birthdays and goals yet to be reached. I am completely aware that you can be trapped in trying to create your future, or running on a hamster wheel of dreams as opposed to doing anything to achieve them. The idea of being an adult is scary. Many of my former high school friends are on their last years as teens, if not already in their 20s. I’m not trying to be rude, but I have no interest in a class reunion with a group of people who graduated A YEAR AGO. I see them almost every time I make the trip around the corner from my building into the downtown area. A trip to Rite Aid to buy pads is a high school reunion. What for?

My first petty beef in years was with people trying to cling to whatever status they enjoyed in high school. The Facebook message under the pictures one of the best nights of my life was, “I heard you were talking about me in 10th grade.” How pathetic to come at me, a (formerly) really really good friend. What I remember most vividly was standing on the corner of 129th & Lenox, bawling. Onlookers included my potential bestie and my actual bestie. I cried not because I was afraid, these hands are swift, but rather because whenever I felt like I was on top of the world there was always someone waiting in the wings to steal my joy. I had just seen Solange perform and eaten delicious oxtail, only to open this message and feel put down by FALSE accusations from 10TH GRADE.

I recently told someone that I was learning how to protect my spirit. I’m constantly surrounded by negativity. I’m taking the first steps in that direction, which includes rethinking the people I share my space with. I value friendship very much, and so there are only a select few people that I’m close to. It’s just that I’m very guarded and private, which comes with it’s own hangups, such as feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders. Oftentimes, it seems like people are ready to release their weight onto me, along with their vitriol. I hit the end of my rope with a friend recently. I just couldn’t take them meeting everything I said or did with a sarcastic quip about how they were incapable. I know false confidence, I know discouragement, and that’s something we each have to tackle on our own. I myself am a work in progress, and when I feel myself hating to be in another person’s presence—smiling less, and unhappy—nah. I have to disengage. ♦