Kiana

I go to sleep at night, spent and tired. I wake up in the morning still restless, with a heart that yearns for the affection of another person.

Why am I conditioned to think that the only way to find absolute emotional stability or happiness is through another person’s care, affection, and love? Why am I still adhering to this idea even though I know it’s false? Why am I hurting myself with these thoughts? How many times do I have to repeat that my happiness doesn’t depend solely on another person? Why am I not giving myself enough love—has my attempt at self-care failed, or been in vain? God.

Am I aware that I have lived for 19 years in this sometimes-I’d-like-to-think-godforsaken world already without the direct emotional aid of another human? Am I aware that, right now, blood is trickling and flowing all through my body and that I am responsible for this? Am I aware that my lungs are expanding constantly, rhythmically, so I can move my hands, use my brain, continue typing these words? Am I grateful for this? How commonplace this may sound, but also terrifying. These things are important, and I’m taking them for granted. Every day.

The world is in so much pain and this pain I’m feeling would never equal the world’s collective hurt, but I am here, we are all here. Who else will right (and write) the wrongs? Who else will point out injustices and inequalities? Who but us?

Have I ever told you about my biology laboratory group mates? They are the best; a ray of sunshine to my Tuesday and Thursday afternoons. We can sit for for hours on end to do lab work, but we also sit down to talk about our interests, back and forth, all six of us. We talk about the books we’re reading, music we’re listening to, professors we’re currently dreading, to infinity. My god, these people. These are individuals whose specific qualities are endearing, which I find redeeming, despite what is an apparent unleashing of evil in the world right now. Especially so when I’m having a rough time getting myself together, getting hold of my extreme feelings of unworthiness regarding validation via amorous affairs. I think of them and my heart glows.

I need to remember, to remind myself constantly that people are the redeeming facet of this sometimes sickening world. There will always be people who lighten the load by being the vulnerable, sloppy, imperfect, multifaceted humans that they are. How dare I project angst and contempt toward people on my not-so-good days when, really, we are natural-born redeemers. Jesuses in the flesh! ♦