Alyson

I would have cried if it weren’t for being out of breath and already being covered in my body’s water (sweat). If I’d cried, it would be like white noise in the yoga room, white water on my body. I think I liked the idea, because then my pain about this would be “just another thing” rather than the foreground of the scene, the star of the show of my life.

I got hit really hard when I saw him at graduation. When they opened the gates after the fireworks, I immediately set off to find Mitch. It seemed impossible to find him, and the anxiety that I’d felt all night was climbing. When I finally caught his golden head, I ran away from all the people I was with without a thought. I had this fear that in the next second, he would be gone. I realize now how psychologically telling that is. If I didn’t see him now, would I ever see him again? But three seconds later I was hugging him and maybe saying something but nothing groundbreaking because I just wanted to keep him there with me for as long as I could. My soul sibling. We just looked at each other for emotional years despite the momentum wrapped around us. I continued my search for him even though he was right there in front of me. I almost cried. He was born again on the other side of the wall of adulthood. Purer than ever. Everything in me was beating wildly in its cage. Me too, me too.

I won’t always feel like time with them is locked away—property of the past—and can never happen again. This is just a symptom of change. If nothing is forever, then neither is this sting of being left behind. Soon, we will be doing everything we want, everything we couldn’t do before. It will be OK again. ♦