I’m coasting by on a weird mixture of stress and relief. I had a sit down with a mentor of mine, and walked away with a newfound sense of self and affirmation that the things that matter to me are important. I was validated by great food, even greater company, and edges that managed to lay in 80 degree weather. As my mother put it: I’m at a very fragile place in my life. She is often right. I ping pong between mounting stress, defeat, and realizing just who the fuck I am. Even with high confidence on my side, now more than ever, I need a support system that genuinely wants to see me win. And yet at the worst of times, I am in the midst of a case of the fake people. It’s tough to let go of a friendship that you’ve had since pre-K, but something has to give. If someone’s always waiting in the wings to tear down whatever I have going on because they feel threatened, that isn’t real friendship.
I am such a caring person, and I love people so much. I want them to be their best selves. So I’m frustrated that someone who refers to me as their friend wouldn’t want the same for me. I was in denial for a long time, as in, “oh they’re going through something right now, hence the negative energy.” Not realizing the person I was sharing my hopes and dreams with was secretly gazing upon me with evil eye. Secretly willing herself into my good graces so she could convince me not to do things under the guise of “advice.” Girl, bye. I’ll side step the specifics of our mini argument this time. It isn’t relevant. What is relevant is that we’re moving in two completely different directions. I’m not going to engage in false modesty, I believe people can see that I’m that bitch.
I puff out my chest and say things like, “I’m li’l Oprah” because I truly fucking believe that. I believe it so deeply that other people do, too. As they should, duh. I can do anything I put my mind to. As time goes on, I’m narrowing my focus a little more. I’m also having fun. Fiddling with my camera, making beats, trying to mix Skepta into MIA (it’s tough!) and just LIVING. It’s stifling, you know, being unable to make a move or dream out loud without some unsolicited advice. It’s bigger than just her, but when it comes to making a change, she’s where I’m going to start.
After my first year, I’ve landed back in my hometown with people who are draining me. I’m exhausted. Seeing an old high school friend who is upset I don’t have time for her, and who wants me to be her therapist now—NAH. I don’t have time for it. I won’t do it anymore. I have to restore order to my life. I’m on another path. I am going to will the life I want for myself into existence, and it doesn’t include not one of these people!
People who have slandered me up and down Facebook are trying to get back into my life, and I flat out refuse. They hit me up about who they think I know or how I can help them. I tell them, “I don’t think you deserve my conversation.” It’s so liberating. If I saw them on the street, I wouldn’t spit in their direction. You can’t pay people that are so invested in your failure any mind. When they see you aren’t failing, when they think you can put them on, they try to come back. You can’t let them. I won’t let them. I’m finally getting a true sense of who I am and the power I have, and that feels so great. I’m a five star chick. ♦