Kiana

I wonder how it feels to be liked by someone. I wonder what my world or life would be like if I had a Life Partner, someone I could romantically smother with all my weirdnesses. This may not be the highest form of human experience, or the absolute best feature of existence, and I’m sure there are other feelings I will someday feel that are far greater than romantic love, but seeing everyone around me WRITHING in the throes of young, teenage love makes me question my capability to be loved, my worth as a person even.

I want to be liked by someone. No, I need to be liked by someone. Badly.

Did you know there was a boy from my high school that I was so ENTRENCHED in? I may have incorporated anecdotal bits of it in some of my writing here. It was love unreturned, unrequited, whatever, and as much as I’d like to think I’m over it now, who am I kidding? There’s still this looming, throbbing hurt child in my heart wanting to just swallow whole chocolate-pieces of love from anyone. This I’d like to think of as a collateral to the unrequited situation—looking for love/accepting love for the sake of having love, even if this love manifests itself in hurtful, selfish, destructive ways.

(Side note: I found this great internet advice piece on unrequited love games. You’re gon’ like it!)

I foresee myself going down a spiraling path of love. More so, I’m afraid of myself for having no self-restraint, jumping from one love-pond to another. I know this to be true because just last week—in the middle of the first-school-week grind—I noticed a boy from one of my classes looking at me intently, a glare of the eyes which, if one is perceptive enough on social cues, denotes interest. I jumped on this boy’s interest right away, the needy and torn person that I am, and it was the worst thing to ever experience on the first week of a girl’s going back to college. It affected me prematurely, as if it was high school all over again, and ICK, THIS IS NOT THE KIND OF ATTENTION OR “LIKE” THAT I WANT, MOM.

I have affirmed and preached a whole of times that it’s not the end of mankind when you’re heartbroken or loveless, but I was just thinking the other night, what if I turn 20 without a single name to my “List of Lovers” and I turn out to be a bitter, miserable 20-something, but also career-driven and focused and goal-oriented, all at the same time? HOT MESS. I want to be that, honestly, but it’s also vital for me, at least, to experience back-and-forth love between the ages 16 and 19, because these are Formative Years and feeling feelings seems to be more interesting and Technicolor within this age bracket.

My god, I sound like a statistician with a minor concentration in Human Relationships. I’m castigating myself for feeling like this already, because I want to be focused in school and in my writing and in my general personhood, so CAN CUTE TEENAGE COUPLES JUST NOT? Some days, though, I feel as though I can totally live off on my own, on a secluded tropical island. But, for now, I’m this whiny teenager worrying about love life ’n’ stuff. Holy wow. ♦