Sometimes when I see my friends interacting with their mothers I get an odd feeling. But never in the years that it had plagued me have I been able to pinpoint exactly what it was. I defer feeling things. Is that common? In the midst of awkward, angry, or otherwise traumatic situations I remain numb. That is, until I can no longer handle not feeling and suddenly feel EVERYTHING. This can happen at the most inconvenient of times, like right before my Spanish final or in the middle of an event that I’d been looking forward too. One second I’m fine and enjoying myself and the next I’m sobbing in front of my entire class. I even wrote this paragraph as a device to procrastinate writing about my actual feelings. See? Over the years I’ve gotten really good at it.
But I think that’s enough procrastinating. A few weeks ago, I was doing my usual review of my day where, right before bed, I think about everything I did that day and decide if there are things I’d like to do again. I remembered a moment when my friends mother had called her out of the blue to tell her that she loved her. The feeling that I’ve come to know spread like a bitter cold through my stomach and I busied myself with playing around on my phone until my friend hung up. As I lay in bed that night, I know I started to feel something, but I told myself that I was too tired and fell asleep.
This morning I woke up thinking about it. I don’t know why it was suddenly on my mind again but it was and I knew what the feeling was: I was angry. I’m so angry that I don’t get those random calls from my mom, to let me know that she loves me. I’m hurt that I don’t get to talk to her about the things that you’re supposed to talk to your mom about. I’m so ashamed that I’m crying as I write this. I can’t let my siblings know that this still hurts, that I’m still upset about it, because we are supposed to be stronger than our feelings. I’m supposed to lead by example and tears aren’t a sign of strength.
I wish I didn’t love my mom so much because then it would be easy to not know how she’s doing. I really want to hate her so that I don’t feel bad about avoiding talking to her. But I love her with all my heart, and I miss her. ♦