Britney

Moments that are currently helping me cope with the gray and the showers and myself: Lilya 4-Ever. A video of a woman who loves eating dirt that she gathers from beneath a trench near her shack. The vomit scene in Possession.

In my room I can hear every instance of running water in the apartments above us. We are a bunker family of two. I have no window, and when I turn off the light to sleep, I can feel everything that was hidden before in all the votive offerings come out and watch me. I never try to face what I fear anymore. I suddenly lack the resources.

I don’t sleep without waking up throughout the night. The heat and the wall clamors and the black atmosphere of the entire home make me feel like I am compressed in the far regions of a giant’s brain. My dreams have manifested as something that interests me more than it scares me, and I remember that I have stupidly neglected to protect myself. I lay out the sage to smudge but I never do it. I am too used to relying on thoughts over action.

I see a movie where the sisters’ mother comes back from the dead through the trunk of a car and I feel lied to. I look for her everywhere but I can only feel. I am not content with this. I have never had enough. ♦