Alyson

Why do my fingers always smell like frosting? How do I tether myself to the Earth so that I can deal with things such as answering emails? At what point will people stop yelling at me, then tell me they’re not yelling at me?

“Your honor?”
“Answer the question, Miss.”

When will Google be able to tell me if it’s safe for me to wear a dress today? Sub-question: What’s the difference between a wind and a “gust”? How many people have seen my underwear—more than my underwear? By admitting that you have seen my underwear, we can assume that you were following me past the science building, the windiest part of campus?

“Your honor, objection—speculation!”
“Yes, is there a question in there, Miss?”

Rephrase: Were you following me past the science building? In fact, were you behind me every day at school? And if so, why didn’t you comment on my new ’70s-inspired panties? ♦