3. Build your game plan.
If you’re already in Disappointment Mode, it may be time to go with the flow and figure out your next move. Analyze your parents’ reactions: Did they shout? Stay silent? Laugh? Piggyback off of those reactions. If your parent is more likely to shout than to sulk, it may help to brace yourself, and have ready a detailed explanation to help smooth things over (see previous point!). If they’re more prone to the silent treatment, let them know that you’ll be available to talk when they’re ready, then, give them some time to thaw. Even if your parents aren’t visibly upset, give them some time to collect themselves anyway, in the event that they haven’t already sent you to your room.

In my early teens, I quickly learned my parents had two very different ways of reacting to disappointing news: My mother was fond of the silent treatment, while my father often EXPLODED. Knowing this helped with my overall game plan: I’d always speak with my mother first so I could give her a few days to mull things over. Then we’d join forces to break the news to my dad, who was much more comfortable listening to my mother process things. It wasn’t a perfect plan, but it played to my parents’ personalities and ensured that I wasn’t dealing with my overbearing anxiety all at once.

What if your decision isn’t “bad” by anyone’s standards, but still disappointing to your parent(s)? You may have declined to apply to your father’s alma mater, or maybe you bought a car they don’t like. It may not be that you need to apologize, but that you want to be honest instead of hiding or reneging on your decision. Don’t take their reactions personally: They may just be coming to terms with the fact that you are your own person. Be honest and gentle with your explanation, but stand firm. After all, you made a decision that you researched and are confident about, and you want your parent(s) to believe in that decision, too.

Not everything you do in your life will make your parent(s) proud, and that’s OK—sometimes you don’t have to explain yourself, period. The need to please them may cause a bit of anxiety or hesitation on your part, but remember that you deserve to be pleased too! Your life is yours to live, and sometimes “living” involves making decisions wholly for yourself. That can be scary, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes, and the better your parent(s) will be at recognizing the strength in your choices.

4. Have a structured conversation.
This tip could work before you make your decision, but for me, it usually came after my parents had made their displeasure known. This conversation could take hours, days, months or years to have, or occur only after punishment, depending on how you and your parents feel. There is a possibility that you may never have a mature, structured conversation, which can make mending things, regaining trust, and resolving conflict very difficult. If you feel capable, try steering your parent in this direction, but try not to be surprised or pushy if they don’t want to talk, or need a little more time.

If your parent is willing to hear you out, do your best to hear them out, too. Build your case, but also try to understand why your parents are upset. If emotions flare up, give yourself time to regain composure and perspective, then, whenever you’re ready, approach/call/text one or both of your parents something simple like, “Hey [Person I Love Very Much], would it be OK if we talked about what happened today? I know you’re upset and I am, too, and I want to see if we can talk/if I can explain/if I can apologize.”

Make your intentions very clear: Don’t promise an apology if you’re not sure you can (or have to) give one. Your parent(s) could walk into the convo expecting one thing and get mad when you do the opposite. If you plan on explaining, talking, or apologizing, say so, and be honest about why, i.e. “I’d really like you to see where I’m coming from.”

If your family is anything like mine, they may see this message as a threat—an overexertion of power you clearly do not have, if you will. Tact will be your best friend in this case. If you have to craft the perfect message, take the time and do so—it can really set the tone for your conversation.

Once you’re sitting down with your parent(s), be respectful and try your best to remain calm. If they begin to yell or cry, keep an even tone. If tempers really rise and you find yourself facing insults or threats, ask to leave the room, or to resume the conversation when everyone feels more under control. The goal is to have an open, honest dialogue about how you feel and where you’d like to go from here. You are not obligated to sit through a conversation that makes you feel unsafe, and doing so may inspire a few unsavory reactions of your own. This can really impede the healing process or make matters worse. Better to not risk it.

When explaining your actions (maybe using the talking points you prepared earlier), be honest, not accusatory. Keep the focus on you: “I felt.” “I saw,” “I thought” and don’t be afraid to give insight to what you were thinking or feeling. Your parent(s) may be able to empathize with or respect the weight of the problem you were trying to tackle, even if they don’t agree with how you tackled it. While they’re talking, keep quiet and truly listen (here are some tips). Don’t just watch their mouths waiting for a chance to interject, and try not to speak or shout over them. They likely have their own set of emotions they want to relate. If you hear something you’d like to respond to, make a mental note and refer to it later.

You may not be able to solve every problem by the end of your conversation, and that’s OK. You may not walk away feeling euphoric, and your parent(s) may not be able to forgive you just yet, but you will have opened a door to the possibility, so give it some time and continue to heal with your parent. You’re not just mending the problem, you’re rebuilding trust and confidence in your decision-making skills. This will take time, but hang in there. It’s another opportunity for you and your parent(s) to learn.

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While you’re out exploring, experimenting, or just plain living your life, you might find yourself in the Disappointment Dome more than you’d like. That’s OK! The important thing is to learn how to defend the choices you feel strongly about; this is a life skill you can use over and over again. Try to be honest with your parent(s). See them as they are, and encourage them to see you as you are—complex, full of ideas, and capable of finding your own way. ♦