Steffany

I’m trying to take the funk, but it’s not working. I currently feel very much like a loser. All of the people in the same field as me or ones I want to go into are flourishing. And I’m watching it all happen with contradictory feelings. On one hand, I’m very proud. I’m an intensely loyal person, so when I see the people I love and trust doing amazing things, I am beyond proud. I mean that, genuinely. However, sometimes a bit of jealousy springs up, too, the kind where you’re motivated to stay on track and not get distracted. And after a string of rejections for internships and even scholarships, I’m started to feel a bit down. It’s just been a really tough first half of my year. I want so terribly to be prolific, to be a prominent voice, whatever that means. And I’m not doing that. I can’t make heads or tails of anything right now. I further feel disrespected because I’ve yet to hear a response from a lot of places I applied to, which is either because they don’t want me or they found someone else. Just have the courtesy to tell me I didn’t get chosen! I’m not a baby.

A good thing is that I’m starting to figure some things out. I need some more alone time to think—although that’s scarce. I want to work in media. I’ve known this for some time, but I need to narrow down which sector I guess. I met up with this guy in the TV industry for coffee, and he basically said I can’t do everything. I don’t believe him. I hate to be hardheaded but women have long been doing everything, especially the media mavens I look up to (less Barbara Walters and more Danyel Smith). It’s time women did everything and got the credit they deserve, which is kinda why I don’t want to work anything unpaid. I’ve been getting paid for a while as a freelancer, I just don’t want to move backward. I have enough experience to justify a wage. I caught wind of this unpaid internship at this place I’ve been longing to work at; I’m just not sure if I should go for it. I am terrified. Those questions about whether I am enough are rearing their ugly heads again because I’ve put this company on such a high pedestal. I don’t know what I’m doing, but I just want to be the HBIC, one day. ♦