Kiana

I want to believe. I want to believe that good days far outnumber the bad. I want to believe that people are softer, gentler, kinder than what I make them out to be in my head. I want to believe that everything’s going to be OK, if I only let things run their natural course. I want to believe that I can take on the world, one breath at a time.

I got good quality trousers at a thrift market last Wednesday. The act of going outside to do something lightens me, and fills me with gratitude. The past few days have been rough, what with the looming certainty of going back to college in two months!!! I’ve also been loading up on caffeine, which is a bit anxiety-inducing, and terrifying because the comedown is not good. Somehow, I always think and feel that I’m dying.

I’m also engaged in a truckload of trying this week:

  • To eat on time and hydrate more. My care-savvy self wants me to “get back on track” or “keep up” with the coming stressors that college will bring. EEEEP.
  • To be thankful for things that I usually just ignore.
  • To not forget my multivitamins, but also to not be overly anxious about it to the point of imbibing twice the recommended daily intake.
  • To formulate a study routine, or a general routine, that will suit my needs when I’m finally back, hustlin’ at school.
  • To be patient with algebra, a subject I’m still stuck on, and a loser chicken in.
  • To control my head, this madness throbbing stealthily inside, while also trying not to suppress my angst and unusual grouchiness.
  • To place my feet firmly on the ground. To make decisions for myself—small decisions, big decisions, consequential decisions—and be accountable and own up to them.
  • Since the university I’m enrolling in is a bit more expensive than the university I used to attend, I’m trying to be brave and self-sufficient enough to face cranky adults in government offices, so that I can score educational aid. It’s stressful but, surprisingly, I have the strength now to power through.
  • Trying to lessen my vanity and recycle old eyeshadow palettes, and use what I have. to save money for when I truly need it. Somehow I still feel like splurging on a face mask, the peeling skincare stuff Arabelle Sicardi recommended, and a fire foundation. Damn, beauty is frickin’ terror. ♦