Simone

Prom is approaching fast. May 24, 2016 to be exact. Two months is a very long period of time but also very short period of time. And much to the dismay of my aloof façade, I fear I may not have a prom date. This being the case, I would like to present my case to the jury. Boys, listen up.

Choosing a prom date is like choosing a lab partner or research paper topic. While in the moment things seem very low stakes, they are not. And if you ultimately regret your decision, those feelings of doubt and doom will never subside. In order to make well-informed decisions, one must have information. It is therefore important that you know a few things.

For one, I’m 5’6”. My height is an asset because I’m average. I’m tall enough that you won’t feel uncomfortable or creepy, but short enough to help you assert your height and thus, dominance over women. I see the importance of this because I watched a powerful documentary about masculinity and I know it is very fragile.

While discussing the matter of my physical appearance, you should know that while I’m certainly no Angelina Jolie, there are no overwhelmingly ugly qualities about my face or body. This makes me the perfect average-looking prom date for you! After all, would you really want to be one-upped by your date? I don’t think so.

As you can tell from the fact I am writing this, I have very low self-esteem and poor decision-making skills. Luckily, for you, this means that I lack sexual boundaries. Take me to prom, and you never know what may come of it! ;)

Finally, I remind you that middle-aged women LOVE me. There has never been a mother who didn’t like me. I’m the perfect blend of ambition, wit, and flyaways. In me, they see their younger selves, free, and hopeful, and clumsy. They want to be my guide, and also buy me sweaters at the Gap. Essentially, if your mom likes your prom date (me) she will be more enthusiastic about the entire experience, covering the cost of things like corsages and tux rentals, which you may never have thought of yourself.

In all, even if you all decide not to go to prom with me, I just want you all to know that I am a perfectly viable prom date. That, in and of itself, is validation enough. ♦