Inspiration: “Bad Diary Days” by Pedro The Lion

Cath felt a strange itch inside her chest every time she thought about the funny voice of some guy she used to have a crush on. She wasn’t a teenager anymore, but she definitely felt like one every time she tried to understand her urges, naïve urges, that used to be completely lost in time for years before. She felt uncomfortable, but in a nice way. Like a ripped condom pack forgotten in her pocket. She didn’t actually need it because she wouldn’t do anything anyway, but she wouldn’t be ashamed as she thought she would in the moment and she’d just laugh about it.

Her plan was to stare into his eyes until he felt uncomfortable too. In a noisy silence, that kind of silence that sizzles like an invisible energy wire. Acting awkward all the time, she had her funny way to love everybody. Just mumbling nonstop, then suddenly stopping and staring at the ceiling, over thinking. Am I wearing my pants backward again? And then she gave a careful, fast look. Yeah, sure. Fuck, not again. Her small amounts of responsibility passed through her mind every time she tried talking to him. I don’t think I am interesting enough, but that’s OK. I need to do my grandpa’s laundry when I get home anyway. It was obvious she was wrong about that. She wanted to talk about everything, but as usual, she was stuck inside her own mind. She thought he’d resemble Mathieu from that Sartre book, because he had an almost too clean, sterile personality. She could read basically anyone in front of her, except him. His mind was impenetrable and at the same time she felt a little bit frightened by it, she liked that.

She’d be OK if they never saw each other again. It wouldn’t be good, since she was into him, but it wouldn’t be really bad either. He was just a boy. She liked the thrill, that’s all. The underdog meets underdog thing. She liked the feeling of falling in love, but not actual transition. It always gets boring after that for her. Catherine left tiptoeing around the air, interested, amazed, and angry at the same time. It was a rare event for her to feel like this, and she knew that. ’Cause she didn’t want to be that female protagonist that only ends the movie the right way if she’s linked with someone. That’s why she tried getting away for a while. To stop the soft shivers or the warm sensation she felt inside her every time she thought about it. She swore it would never happen again. But deep inside, she knew it would. ’Cause she was such a sucker for bad romance.

—By Thais S., 19, Brazil