Steffany

I sat on the edge of my mother’s hospital bed, practically sobbing. Not because she was there, but because my one opportunity to skip town had been dashed. I applied for a program not to be named, that would take college kids to Silicon Valley during spring break. And while her nurse checked my mom’s vitals, I got the email notification telling me I had not been accepted into the program. My mom isn’t facing life or death level health issues, but ones that are tip-toeing on that line if not treated immediately. Being a worrier has only exacerbated my stress in relation to her health, even if I’m constantly being assured she’s in the best hands.

I feel this immense guilt that I’m thinking of skipping town at a difficult time. It’s not that I am not strong in the face of adversity, it’s that the need for a change of scenery has reached it’s peak. My mother consoled me about my rejection, a distraction from her current set of circumstances, although I feel bad that she always has to show a brave face. I’ve been feeling a bit trapped lately, mostly at this school, where I’ve been masterminding exit strategies in the on-campus Starbucks. Everyone is always telling me that I should slow down and live life; my immense ambition exists solely because I want to live life. To afford to do so would mean having to work. I am not content with just existing for the next four years, walking the stage, and trying to start a new life for myself after moving back in with my parents.

I’ve been networking my ass off. Now I just need to broaden my portfolio to get access to the jobs I want. I also have been coding a lot lately. It makes me happy, because I feel like I’m doing something exciting outside of the confines of my curriculum, which include a class where we discuss the logistics of making a blog. I grew up on the internet, I’m not sure of the value of this class? It has made me realize that I might have a knack for branding, because I’m practically teaching this class myself. SEO is a fancy way of strategizing being the first hit on Google, something I was able to accomplish when I made my first music criticism blog at 15.

“What do you want to do this weekend?”

“I want to not remember my weekend.” That revelation sent me packing. No one is going to make me feel bad for going home at weekends when they just stay here and get blackout drunk for recreational purposes.

On a positive note, I’ve been really getting in my own head again—in a positive way—formulating different ideas and content that I wanna create. The time I have to do so is minimal, but those little moments of escapism mean so much to me. I also want to be more diligent in handling my responsibilities, but I just got through a period where I couldn’t even get out of bed most days. Not due to unhappiness per se, I was just stuck somewhere. Now I’m no longer there and I’m revitalized to live life and whatnot. This has a lot to do with the wings at my friend’s birthday party. They spoke to my soul. ♦