Simone

2016 Census Form

Name: Simone A. Rembert
Gender: Does anyone really know?
Race: Social construct
Age: 14—wait sorry, I meant 17
State of Residence: Dirty Jerzzzz

Number of current pimples: 10
Number of healing acne scars: 2
Number of blackheads removed by Biore Pore Strips: Not enough to prompt higher self-esteem, but enough to satisfy compulsive desire to see gunk on strip.

Number of missing homework assignments: 1
Number of missing homework assignments (INCLUDING MATH): 11

Hours of sleep recorded on average weeknight: 4.5-5.5
Hours of sleep recorded on average weekend night: 12

Hours spent on phone in an average day: Answering the question would mean admitting to having a problem
Hours spent doing homework on an average day: 0.5
Hours spent outside on an average day: 0.25

Money spent within the past week: $167.34
Most commonly bought item: Pizza

Number of boys currently “talking to”: 0, goddamnit. ♦