Britney

I don’t weigh as much as I’d like to, especially in specific places—I need to gain. How many paragraphs have I started with this sentence? It’s endless and I hate it. That being said, I’ve written and rewritten this diary four times this week with no hint to its perfect form. Of all the terrors that have arisen in the past few days, the worst have definitely been my dreams. The only way I can get close to explaining the heart of them right now is with this song: “Bitten Into Sympathy” by the Melvins. It goes:

I have the understanding and the tribal sense of true.
Bitten into sympathy and made to flex with you.
You control my weather and control behind my eyes.
Magnitude be simply simply simply simp.
The lies!
The lies!

I often go from having too little to say to having too much to say that’s too confidential to air out, especially in the moment of. Today I go from having very little grasp of my dreamscape to writing down two pages of last night’s/this morning’s happenings, and then realize that I can show neither of them to my therapist without heavy omission. It’s not worth it. But I don’t know how well I can comfort myself and decipher the recollection on my own. I consider all the familiar faces as I lay in the aftermath. I don’t know if I’m projecting or if they mean something in the vein of the future.

I think about becoming a nun. I think about what he would say if I told him that. Probably not much. Why bother. If I told anyone this, they would never, even given eternity, believe me or understand why. I would gladly accept the papal paperweight. The mountainside hermeticism that haunts my mind. I don’t know how long it would realistically stick to me, but I try to imagine a world and time where it would. The distance from it is much harder to calculate.

I feel bad for not having more to say. Some somewhat fun facts: My favorite new line is “He’s somebody’s daughter” from “Lizzy” by the Melvins. I’ve been writing more but it’s harder to do so in my actual diary. Things keep popping up in my field of vision and I’m not sure whether or not I should believe some of them. I’m in a quite a bit of pain, actually.

(You know you’re right.

You know, you’re right.) ♦