My journal is full of lists. They are mostly mundane: Books to Read Before College and Real Resolutions and Quotes to Remember. Others act as resources, like Simple Self-Care for When You Don’t Feel Like Caring. Dreams contains only one entry, since I don’t remember mine often. I even have a space for day-to-day journaling in list form, optimistically titled Nice Things That Happened Today.

I’m trying to maintain some consistency. It’s more engaging than an empty white computer screen (and more available when I don’t feel like being blinded at one in the morning), and it’s unexpectedly easy to fill up a page or two. I’m also trying to be honest, which scares me sometimes; my handwriting gets messier as I go along, like I’m subconsciously trying to encode my thoughts. But that hasn’t stopped me yet, and I won’t let it stop me from doing this: Here’s one I wrote the other night, late enough that I’m surprised it’s coherent at all. It’s called Questions I’d Ask God.

  • Why?
  • Even if we some day know exactly how we got here, why all of that? What caused it? Who wrote the script?
  • Who wrote the code? Was it you?
  • What is outside of us?
  • Are we alone?
  • We cannot be alone.
  • The universe requires such specific order to exist. It’s the biggest lottery spanning all spaces, and all times, and all nothings that we can’t even perceive. So how did this happen? Why were we the winning ticket?
  • Were we the winning ticket or the short straw?
  • How did we evolve so individually? Why do I have the presence of mind to be thinking about this?
  • What question do I need answered the most, and what is its answer?
  • Have these questions all been asked before?
  • Of course they have. Don’t answer that.
  • Who am I?
  • Who are you?
  • Why?
  • We cannot be alone.
  • We cannot be alone.
  • We cannot be alone. ♦