Kiana

Days seem to stretch out too long for me. I have been trying to catch up with myself. I felt that I’d left myself behind trying to take care of, and cater to other people’s needs. I catch up by watching films that I really like, rather than pretending to like a certain film just because a friend recommended it. I like American Beauty, Inception, Clouds of Sils Maria, and other films that elicit mind-tripping confusion, which I feel brings me closer to, deeper into, to my brain. I also found out that keeping a weekly planner, which I call a conscious mapping of one’s weekly hassles, helps me keep track of where I am and where to go, or what to do next.

In retrospect, I think that actively paying more attention to myself is a maneuver to prepare and calm myself before I turn 19 on the 15th. I hoped to buy myself my very first swimwear, but since I’m saving up to go back to college, and for a music festival that’s happening this March, I think I’m just gonna give myself a nice, un-messy, totally profesh-looking manicure. The color will be white—a vainglorious attempt to evoke purity. I am on the edge of teendom, but I never ever want to leave it, or lose it in me. I never want to lose my childhood. ♦