Thahabu

“Where have you been?! I never see you anymore.” That’s what my friends ask whenever I run into them. I lie and say I’ve been studying, but I basically haven’t left my room in two months. I spend most of the day in bed and rarely arrive to class on time.

I thought I could get over it. I was too ashamed to take that walk up to the campus counselor. Talking to someone helped in high school, but I’m an adult now and thought I had to deal with these things on my own, which is funny because that isn’t the very “adult” thing to do.

I’m embarrassed about my depression. I barely look people in the eye, nevermind facing my schoolwork. Admitting that I have depression means disappointing the people I care about the most. Having depression means that I have to let myself combust, let all the shattered parts of me to finally fall away from the cheap, outworn tape that holds me together. That’s terrifying because it hinders my ability to keep it together for the ones that I love—even as I type this I feel as though I’m letting them down.

I don’t wanna be depressed, I don’t wanna be a burden to anybody. People depend on me to be quiet about my sadness so that they can handle what’s going on in their own lives: They don’t need to have me on their minds. If I tell them, they’ll have to be concerned about me, and they’ll actually see me for who I am, a disappointment. I don’t want to make things worse by having to deal with their reactions—maybe I won’t tell them.

Mumbling about how worthless I feel to the counselor is similar to vomiting. She tells me my feelings are valid and that I’m “a trooper” for going through what I’ve been through, but I don’t see it that way. I still feel as though I’m being difficult and need to get over it. Feeling that way is wrong, deep down I know it, but I’ve been conditioned to believe I should put others’ well-being before my own.

I’m tired. Sometimes it feels like I’m floating, as if I’m barely there. I didn’t think it would get this bad—I’ve always dealt with depression but I still had the motivation to get up in the morning. Maybe it’s heightened by college. Back home I can go out with my friends to lift my spirits and ignore the way I feel, here on campus, I don’t have that outlet. I’m all alone. ♦