Alyson

It’s so hard to explain to someone that a person is a bit evil without telling that someone anything. Today, K told me that Z had been acting holier-than-thou. I was surprised to hear that he had had his first less than lovely experience with her. He got a bit lit up for a couple seconds, saying he wanted to smack her (hyperbole, don’t worry), but that she was “still cool” in general. She probably let out something about religion. K loves God. Right then would have been the perfect moment for me to tell him just how maddening she could be, about how I told her I was Catholic—after she asked—and she commenced an hour-long tirade, ripping apart my beliefs. The self-righteousness! I’m glad he had a chance to maybe understand some part of what I wanted so badly to tell him, without me saying anything at all. That same self-righteousness would eventually say everything for me.

I haven’t said one thing about her to K, or to anyone else. I have swallowed the dozen bugs of truth that would somehow demote me from mature to whatever her level is. I swallowed one today and it multiplied in my throat. Meanwhile, she didn’t spare a second shaping K’s impression of me with determined hands. I often wonder why he still calls her “cool” in front of me. He wants my story. But I will not give it. There is something to be said for the fact that “cool” Z has a lot to say about me, but that I have not let her name come out of my mouth. I let her name drip into my ears, I digest it. I ignore the pieces that remain in my system until they threaten to come out. Like now.

I looked him in the eye, feeling the air prepare itself for what was going to be released into it. The school alley was dim, but there was the dependable white sky falling over the edge of the roof. All of the preparation for nothing. I looked up at the light. “This is so triggering.”

K began to sing a song about how I was “perfect” and would be OK. I wonder why he tells me these things still. I know that he will figure it out. I hope she doesn’t figure him out first. ♦