If you don’t have any traditions, did you feel a longing for them? Did you create your own?

STEPHANIE: Although my mom was raised Catholic, I wasn’t raised religiously at all, so I don’t actually remember the funerals of my maternal grandparents, presumably because they were Catholic services. I’ve grown way more comfortable now, but especially at the ages I was when they died, 16-ish and 18-ish, I always felt so awkward and out of place, like I didn’t know what I was doing. I have vague memories of my grandfather’s wake, but that’s it. I feel like I didn’t get to say goodbye the way I wanted or needed—actually I didn’t even know what it was that I wanted or needed because I had no traditions. But when Marcel died, although his service was Catholic, afterward his family rented out this space in town—a music venue. Wince Marcel and his family and friends are all very musical and people, people just like played songs and talked, it was like an open mic. Right then I was like, “Yes, this is how I need to grieve when I am with people, at least. This is better.”

MADS: I don’t have any religious traditions and I’ve always wished that I did because I think it might make losing people easier to handle. Or, maybe not easier, because no matter what it’s hard…but I do think that having traditions can help people through the stages of grief. I’ve leaned a lot on art, particularly music and literature. My grandmother always loved The Sound of Music, and when I’m sad or want to feel close to her, I’ll play my guitar and sing “Edelweiss” or “So Long Farewell.”

Another way I think I can commemorate my grandmother is by continuing to celebrate a Danish Christmas. She was always the heart and soul of Christmas, and since she’s become sick it’s become harder and harder for everyone in my family to come together. The big night for us is Christmas Eve, where we’ll eat a traditional Danish dinner and rice pudding dessert, followed by holding hands and singing around the Christmas tree. I think that continuing this tradition will be helpful in remembering the lively, cozy times with my grandmother and coping with her dementia.

CHANEL: As I mentioned, one of my uncles had more of a memorial service, which was a celebration at points. I got to write a poem for him and people in the room got to speak about the great memories they had with him. After my grandmother’s funeral, another uncle had this huge cookout which I think was the best thing that came out of the day. If anything, it brought the family together, got their minds off of their grief, and truly showed what it was like to be a member of the Parks family, even if the matriarch wasn’t physically there.

How have you claimed space to grieve? What did you do to get away from the family or the group if that is what you needed? Finding your own space can be so hard to navigate, especially if your loved ones don’t understand that you have different needs than they do. What did you do, or what would you do, if you had it to do over again?

MADS: I often do my grieving alone. I try to stay calm and supportive in front of my mother and grandmother, ,and do my breaking down when I’m in the shower. I allot myself a specific amount of time to cry and fully feel, so the melancholy doesn’t seep into other areas of my life or damage my schoolwork or relationships with other people.

STEPHANIE: That’s good that you have found ways to manage your grief like that. When Marcel died, my best friend and I took a road trip—impromptu, random. Just from Chicago to Iowa in a day. We drove because we had to, we needed that space and silence. I wasn’t completely alone, but we’ve been friends for so long that it is one of those friendships where you can comfortably be together in silence. We needed that time away from everyone else who was mourning, I think. I also took a lot of walks by myself and had a lot of tears in the shower, too.

SHRIYA: Shower tears are so real! I think it can be such a great, cathartic space. The weeks surrounding my grandfather’s passing I would sit on my fire escape after class and listen to music and let myself breathe. It was good to be outside but still in an isolated space.

CHANEL: I definitely cried alone in my bedroom multiple times, as I wasn’t in my home state when they died. It was nice in a way, because I could unload without feeling self-conscious or weird. I wrote a lot during those times: I made a lot of lists of things to accomplish in life. I kind of reorganized by thoughts little by little.

DERICA: I struggled to feel entitled to the space to grieve. I had relationships with the people my family lost, but they never felt mine to grieve—or, rather, my parents or my sister were the primary mourners and I felt I needed to make myself as little of a burden as possible. As a result, I engaged in a lot of secret crying, trying to do it silently in our small family home. If I had to do it over, I think I’d try to join with others in my grief, and try not to give in to the need to hide my intense emotions.