PART V: SELF-EXAMINATION

Illustration of Dave Chapelle, by Alyssa Etoile.

Illustration of Dave Chapelle, by Alyssa Etoile.

Since I’ve been visible, there have been a bunch of things that have come up, which I hadn’t had to deal with previously, in this way. By that I mean, things specifically related to my being a woman of color, my being a black woman, and singing black music, or, singing in a way that identifies me as black. I’ve been calling it my “Dave Chapelle crisis,” because it has me in a place similar to where I think he was in when people said he was “going crazy.” Chapelle was actually trying to grapple with the personal responsibility that comes with being visible. When we’re not visible, our politics don’t have to be as rigid and careful, we don’t have to be as careful—or, we do, but you’re not thinking about it in the same way, you’re thinking about its effect on you. When you become a representation of yourself, then things get a little bit fuzzy.

What Chapelle is describing in this video takes a lot of courage to find the words to say on national television. I don’t need what he’s saying to be perfect; he is pushing through something in front of everybody, and it empowers me so much. He says, “What is a black man without his paranoia?” And that’s the Dave Chapelle crisis, I think. This experience of, I’m in the middle of thinking that I’m doing something really radical, and then I look around and there’s a white person laughing! I can’t guarantee that person understands where I come from when I make this joke. I’m telling you about me and my culture and my experience and I can’t guarantee that you’re going to get it in a specific way. So I have to be very careful, and I think it’s him realizing, Ugh, I haven’t been as careful as I want to be.

As an artist, you can’t get the recognition that you deserve without trying to enter a space where white people are in positions of power. You literally cannot make a splash in the United States. And, I would argue, if you want to be an international star, there’s no way you’re going to achieve that without having to answer to this structure. And that is what I call my Dave Chapelle crisis. I got to that place at the beginning of this past summer, and it really helped to remember this moment. I watched this video quite a few times!