Set boundaries.
I had heard the horror stories of friends living together and hating each other afterward, or of bad roommates who overstepped boundaries. When I first moved in with my roommate, I thought I needed to make the boundaries as clear and un-family-like as possible so that I could live in a safe home. But because I was so accustomed to living in spaces where people cared about each other, I felt the lack. It was strange to be out and not have someone know where I was. It was strange to come home and cook dinner for myself. So when a close friend asked to move in with me, I reconsidered my earlier stance on the kinds of boundaries I wanted to set at home. With a fair amount of nervousness, I said yes.
Even though we were good friends, I wanted her to know before she moved in that I require a lot of privacy and alone time. I recommend talking about what you need from your living space with potential roommates before moving in together. Sometimes it can work to “deal with things as they come up,” but there are certain fundamental boundaries that should be established, such as knocking before entering the other’s room, asking before sharing clothing or food, and setting up a chore chart. It’s also important to establish a “code word” or a way of letting each other know when you’re not interested in talking but it totally isn’t personal. If the two of you share a lot of friends, talk about that beforehand. How will you let the other one know when you want to hang out with a mutual friend alone? It’s also good to establish some boundaries about sexual partners, like letting them know when you’re bringing someone home and want to be left alone.
Communicating what you need with a roommate who is also a good friend can feel strange at first, but you get better at it the more you do it. It’s very useful to have the “boundary-setting” conversations in person rather than texting them, so no one gets passive aggressive or angry at things that can seem unclear in messages. Even after having these conversations, your roommate may still cross your boundaries (or you, theirs), and you might have to re-draw or reinforce them. Though you should be careful about sacrificing your own comfort and safety for a friendship or peace in the house, do keep in mind that it is impossible for anyone to be perfect. Your friends and roommates will inevitably disappoint you—maybe borrow that lemon you were saving or rush out the door in your coat. While you should let them know that this upset you, try to remember that good friendships are worth more than lemons or coats.
Despite all the horror stories I’d heard about moving in with friends, living with my friend was lovely. Before, I felt like I was co-existing in a house, and now I felt like I was living in a home. My roommates and I have an understanding that the mornings are a time for sacred silence and the evenings are our time to talk about what we learned that day, take a walk, or eat together. I’ve stopped putting up so many walls in my home and have allowed communication to be open and regular, provided it isn’t constant. Having someone to talk to at the end of the day, someone to take walks with, grocery shop with and consult for fashion advice made me feel fulfilled in a way I didn’t before. I also realized that a lot of what I was looking for from sexual partners was something I was missing in my own house. I was seeking the intimacy and love I had grown up with and was accustomed to meeting at the end of the day.
Figure out what you need from others and yourself.
An important thing I’ve come to learn is that going out to a show or a dance party—though things I really enjoy doing—does not fulfill my need for community time. If I’m craving human interaction, having someone over to hang out and eat or throwing a small dinner party is really necessary. I’m used to homes that are always open to guests—expected or unexpected. In my best friend’s house everyone walks in without knocking, and if unexpected guests show up we just pull in some chairs and an extra table. There is always enough food to go around. These environments that I grew up around are really special to me. Even though I don’t want to do a big dinner full of guests every week, I still want similar event and gatherings of people in my life.
Discovering what your “people” time is and what you see as “community” is an evolving and endless process. I am still constantly discovering my own needs and my needs from others. Finding your “people time” should involve something that makes you feel better afterwards, or ready to take on another day. If you’re walking away from interactions feeling drained, or like you need to hang out with someone else to process, you might want to consider lessening the involvement of such exhausting energies in your life. Successful “people” time leaves you feeling content, not drained.
Don’t compare yourself to others.
In the past, I’ve relied on others to motivate me to do my work. I felt bad sleeping in when everyone around me was waking up early, lazing about while others were rushing to get things done. I think this type of internalized shame is both useful and toxic. It is unhealthy to constantly be measuring yourself to other people around you, but it is also unrealistic to expect yourself to constantly self-motivate. Not having others around to motivate me made me way more prone to depressive spells. I don’t like when I get in a mindset that keeps me holed up in bed and incapable of producing anything, but when others aren’t around to notice me slipping into that state, I’m less likely to catch myself early on. Being alone allows me to learn a lot about myself and establish a strong sense of identity, but too much alone time makes me lose myself. I think we come to understand a lot about ourselves by existing alongside and against others. Conversation with others is a really interesting way to develop what you think and why. If I’m not sure about something, I will often tell my friends to get their opinions. Even though I don’t always agree with them, knowing what they think allows me to discover what I think.
A mentor of mine once told me that the best way to avoid jealousy is to surround yourself with people whose work you really respect. It is easier to be genuinely happy for someone when you feel as though they deserve recognition and goodness. I would push this further and say surround yourself with people you respect and love or care for, because not only will you celebrate with them, but you won’t want to compete with them as much as you will want to work alongside them. A good and hardworking friend can make you motivated to be good and hardworking as well. This isn’t the same thing as comparing yourself to them though. I see it as being motivated by their contagious work ethic and energy.
Living around too many people sucked my energy and made me feel blurred and overwhelmed, but living with no people had similar negative effects. Everyone’s tolerance and need for others in their life is different, but it’s important to remember you aren’t weak or needy for wanting people around frequently or just around. Inviting community and warmth and even noise never has to be at the expense of your sanity and need for quiet and alone time. In fact, I’ve found that the more time I get to spend by myself, the better I am at being with other people and the better I am at requesting that alone time again. Experiencing the power of community and solitude taught me how essential the two are to my stability and happiness. As long as I make room for the two, I’m allowing for the continued development of me. ♦