Ananda

All I’ve ever wanted is to be happy. Right now, I’m in a state of being where all I can do is watch myself from the outside, unable to truly control myself. It’s not the lack of control of my inhibitions, it’s more that now that I’m no longer in therapy and have stopped having this outlet I feel stuck in a state of a OK-ness, of fine—but fine isn’t enough. I know that one can’t experience happiness constantly, but I’m fed up. My emotions go up and down like anyone’s but, still, all I want is to be happy, not just this contentedness, this boring, bland part of life.

The thing is, I don’t know how to achieve happiness. I’ve moved schools, I’ve made new friends, I’ve become more me than I ever have been—as a feminist and queer teenager. I have a wonderful family, amazing friends. What’s left? My brain goes back to that word, relationship, the type of relationship that I am currently craving. Every time I bring this up I’m told that “someone will be just around the corner” and “if you stop looking they will come.” But I’ve been feeling alone and kind of empty for a long time and it’s not as though I’m not looking for a fairy tale or that story book kind of love or romance, but just for once in my life when I love someone could they not love me back. Love me back equally, love me back more, love me in the way I have not been loved before. ♦