Steffany

As the semester draws to a close, I find myself confronted by a host of feelings I’d labeled “resolved.” Apparently, that wasn’t the case at all. These feelings aren’t resolved or insignificant, at all. Rather, they’ve been stuffed to the bottom of the hamper or dropped off to the babysitter.

I’m coming down off a three-month high of self-actualization and self-love, more prepared to face the world than ever. But issues I thought I’d left behind when I decided to cross the stage and get my high-school diploma are bubbling to the surface and swallowing me whole—issues I’m tired of carrying around and talking about. I’m worry often about my dreams coming true, living up to my own potential, and getting to where I want to be in a timely manner. Except, as I’ve evolved and matured, so have these fears.

Whereas before, I was afraid to put myself out there, a step integral to networking, I’ve gotten over that. I know how to work a room if need be. I’ve been capable of being social and the life of the party long enough to create lasting relationships that can lead to other opportunities. But, as the height of my dreams increases, I worry more about access to the rooms with the people in them who can help me advance. The impending doom of not fulfilling my dreams is more burdensome than ever, especially when I’m supposed to be engaged in my wonder years. When college started, I felt like I was doing something important and worthwhile, and that feeling allowed me to tuck those other feelings away, without them nagging at me. Now, as it’s time for me to go home for winter break, I realize that I haven’t done much of anything!

I’ve been trying like hell to find the right job or internship to build up my resume, and my roommate having access to internships and job opportunities that aren’t as easily afforded me doesn’t help how I feel. When you share similar dreams to someone else and you see them climbing the ranks because of their access, you’re left with little to hold on to. It’s a lot. It takes it’s toll. There’s no handbook or guide. A How To on a White House internship would be nice, but that doesn’t exist.

I constantly talk about wanting the world for myself, because my parents raised me to strive for nothing less. If I wake up tomorrow and decide I want the Nobel Prize for Economics, than guess what? I will hold my head high and work toward it. But what is working toward it, anyway?

People who don’t dare dream on as big a scale as others, people who don’t think anything is possible, hit you with how unachievable your goals are. Having to protect them is a price to pay, and can be exhausting. You have to possess a certain tenacity, because constant questioning or diminishing can be discouraging. Yet, I refuse to be discouraged. I have my mentors and my family behind me in a major way. I don’t think there’s anything I cannot do. I look in the mirror and in that mirror I see a leader, someone ready to take on the world in a positive way. People can’t fathom that someone can think so highly of themselves, but it’s not really that; I have good days and bad days in the self-love department. A bad twistout can send me on a downward spiral, especially if my crush catches me slipping!

However, even on those low days, I never doubt my abilities. Ever. Ever. And you shouldn’t either. I own my strong suits, because they’re so few. One of them is being able to lead, being a great listener, being able to speak in front of people and sell them my ideas. You have to play to what you’re great at and cultivate the talents you feel you lack. I would list my shortcomings here, but I’ve been dwelling on them for far too long and I am taking a mental break from that. Go ahead and take your mental break, you deserve it. I have earned mine after years of being really hard on myself.

When I talk about attaining what I want for myself, I’m not necessarily talking Jordan Belfort proportions—it can be small scale. Like, I wanted the syllabus in my class changed. I led the charge, and my professor recently gave in, after months of me voicing my concerns. I talked to my classmates to see if my idea was the consensus, and to check whether they’d support me. The support part was iffy, but I’d realized there was at least a consensus among us that he wasn’t doing things in a way we liked. And, if I’m paying, I’m saying! In class, I had a conversation with the professor yet again, but after saying my part, I created a poll-style system for people to offer their input. Some of it verbal, most of it nodding, but it worked. People stood behind me! Although some were reluctant, perhaps fearful of being penalized for rocking the boat. Once they saw that wouldn’t happen, they were on board. That was a big win for me! In a sense, I put myself on the line in a major way, but it was something I felt was worth doing. It fueled me, so much so that I wasn’t upset when he took credit for the changes to his syllabus that I came up with, and which he’ll use for his class next semester. I was in a celebratory mood after that!

I do party and have fun but I’m constantly thinking about what can be done to climb the ranks. I’m never content, which used to bother me, but now I think it’s innate. I thought that fire in my belly should be quelled because people like me weren’t innovators or natural business leaders. I was afraid of saying I was excellent at this or that. In my class about leadership, one of my professors looked around and said, “Not all of you will be leaders or change agents.” But I knew he was not talking about me: I had decided for myself what I was going to be long before I sat in that class.

During admissions decision week, I cried on the phone with A, a longtime school friend, and he told me I’d be OK no matter what school I ended up at because I was a “shark.” When I thought my low grades disappointed my parents, my mom told me she didn’t have to worry about me because she knew, I’d “be alright!” Those words meant the world to me, then and now. I’m not sure which direction I’m going in, but I’m taking off sprinting toward something, anything. I’ll wither away and die otherwise! A little bit of black girl ingenuity can take you a long way, ask my girl Oprah. ♦