Alyson

Lately I have been feeling a tug to go to church, to the post-mass youth ministry program. At first, I couldn’t tell whether it was a spiritual pull or a sexual pull (yeah, there were some nice guys). After tonight, I know my reasons for coming transcend things like nice eyes and height.

I developed this theory a couple of weeks ago, that I was possessed while going through my ED and depression. It started out more as a metaphor than a theory. Listening to C, the youth ministry leader, talk about the devil and how he can infiltrate made everything come together. The devil, he will tell you, lies about yourself until you are consumed. I was consumed. I was consumed for so, so long. But now, I felt so alive. I had an answer to this cloud of mystery. When we broke up into “small groups,” it was all I wanted to talk about—but, of course, I didn’t, following in the pattern of taboo topics.

After regrouping and listening to C declare Victoria’s Secret “diet porn,” the lights went out and we sang. Some kids get really into it: mostly the popular kids. There was a point after the second song where C quietly invited us to kneel down and pray before a glinting object that was supposed to represent Christ’s presence.

I always think “thanks for everything” first when I pray. It seems like such a cheat, but it’s just a warm up. Thank you for leading me here, for my opportunities, for my house and my food. “Thank you for caring enough about me to fight the devil out from inside of me.” ♦