Kiana

I am starting to feel the intensity of what I have been doing for the past two months dawn on me. I am starting to reap what I sow. My bones have started to strain against my skin, my breathing started to hitch, my eyes end up watery more than usual.

This week, I did nothing but rewatch the whole Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, all four films. I started watching The Big Bang Theory online. I started cooking quick little meals for me and Gran. I obsessively scour the internet for interviews and talks by my favorite writers, and practice the art of masterful notetaking as I nod and whimper and kind of cry a li’l bit as I go through the videos.

Pirates of the Caribbean reminds me of my childhood days where I would binge-watch every thing HBO offered. How simple those days were, how fleeting also. The Big Bang Theory kinda reminds me of How I Met Your Mother, and both of these TV series helped me get my mind off of things, not to mention helping me out when I needed some pals to laugh with or at. Cooking meals for my grandmother is my way of showing that I care for her. Watching my favorite writers talk about what they love most (i.e., writing, journaling, DIY, thrift-shopping, et cetera) brings me to a whole new level of understanding them, and at the same time expands my respect for and devotion to the craft.

I’ve always been afraid of stagnation, of not growing where I am planted. This time, though, I feel different. This time, the guilt that I have so cruelly placed on myself for feeling my feelings is starting to dissolve. Finally, I am claiming ownership over my lost kingdom by taking infantile steps and by being patient. ♦