Dear Love,

Thank you again for packing my bags last night. I know I could have been more grateful considering you had a very long day, and on top of everything the last thing you wanted to be doing was “rounding up all of my crap” and trying to “shove it into the allotted Ziploc” (your words, not mine). But since you did do that for me (and again, forever grateful), is it possible you forgot my mousse? If so, it should be in the bathroom cabinet behind the mirror. I’m sorry to be such a pain, but being in space really messes with your hair (and therefore your self-esteem) and we’ve been sending selfies to the president. You understand. If you could send that as soon as possible, that would be great. Thanks.

I hope you’re doing well. I am homesick and tired, and each is affecting the other. Everyone keeps talking in science-y times (Also could you Google what “0 hour, 9 AM” means?? I’m worried I’m going to miss something important if I don’t get the time down), and I am so confused and just kind of over it, you know? I miss Earth so much, and I miss you, my loving wife. I miss gravity. God, the things I would do for gravity. Pouring liquids and seeing them bounce around was fun for about 10 minutes. I saw it happen just as they said it would; I was in disbelief. I Instagrammed it. It was fun. But now I am just so thirsty and would love some great, fully liquid beer like back home. Or water. I would settle for water.

It’s lonely out in space. Everyone else is still very much preoccupied with the whole liquid thing. Kind of immature, if you ask me. There is toothpaste everywhere. I can already see that I’m not the man they think I am at home. At home we all got along and like, high-five’d that money that went to space and just talked about how cool it was going to be living in the same place where Gravity was set. Unfortunately, I think it’s going to be a long, long time until I come home again, maybe even longer until I can watch another Sandra Bullock flick, although I should probably finish Gravity before I move on to Miss Congeniality. Funny, I was so busy training that I only got about five minutes into the astronaut movie. Sandy is America’s sweetheart, and I hope nothing bad happens to her!

Anyways, if I’ve learned one thing, it’s that I was definitely right about not raising the kids
on Mars—it’s seriously cold as hell. We did a quick drive by of Venus, though, and that seemed pleasant. Good schools, too. Maybe we’ll have a whole lot of girls—you know what they say about you women being from there! Ha ha. Also Saturn has rings, so that’s always cool. Might be fun to have our family on Saturn. We could get a nanny who’s native to the area so the kids adjust more easily-maybe they’ll even learn another language! We’ll talk about it.

What’s really hindering me here is that I have zero percent idea what anyone else is talking about. All this science; I don’t understand. It’s just my job five days a week, and even then who’s to say I don’t indulge in the occasional day playing hooky? Weekends are my me time. Sorry, us time. I have my fantasy football, you have…your own hobbies. Everyone else seems like such nerds. I don’t know. It’s annoying.

Can’t wait to get back home, even if, as I expect, it isn’t for a long, long time.

Love,
Elton

—By Annie E., 20, Cleveland