Marah

There are things we wish for, but when our wishes come true we begin to see the cracks in our best hopes. I hoped for my mother to get a job, but her daily absence created a big gap in the house because her hours are very long, lasting from 9 AM to 4:30 PM—plus the two hours she spends on the road due to the difficulty in travelling to work. After an arduous trip, she returns home exhausted and unable to do any housework, so it becomes our duty to help her, and since I’m the eldest, I have considerable responsibilities on my shoulders, doing things I didn’t even know how to do beforehand, like cleaning, laundry, and cooking. I started cooking food with the little experience I had.

These simple chores are not the real problem; there are much more difficult tasks that took me by surprise. This week, for example, the security situation in our area was very unstable, and our home was subjected to an early morning raid. I was really scared when I saw the police, especially because my mother and my brother had left for work, and my sister and I were alone, but I kept my myself calm. They requested our rent for the month, and unfortunately we were late in renewing the contract, so they took some important papers that we had to go to the police station to retrieve. My mother is a new employee, and was not allowed to leave her job, so I had to go along with our landlord to collect the papers and renew the contract. I felt very uncomfortable there, because girls do not frequent these places. To make matters worse, we discovered that we were required to pay a sum of money in the form of a bribe to the employees, since all state-related transactions require bribes, due to the laxity and negligence in government institutions following the crisis in Syria. It is truly a pity that we have lost our principles and morals. It was vital that the paperwork to be recovered but I wasn’t able to do it. I’m so exhausted by these responsibilities, but I realize that I don’t really have a choice but to help my mother, and my desire to do so eases the burden.

The second camp for special prosthetics will be held soon, and my friends and I decided to participate because it will increase our expertise and support our field of study. But it also adds to my list of responsibilities, and I’m concerned about organizing my time between home, work, and camp. It feels really difficult to manage my time well, especially with the heatwave sweeping Syria this year, which almost strangled us, in addition to severe water shortages lasting several days in houses in Damascus. The extreme heat and lack of water makes me want to lash out at everybody around me. Our hearts can no longer tolerate this. Our lives do not resemble respectful human existence. I wish I could live with dignity in my homeland. That is my biggest wish. ♦

Marah’s diary is produced in collaboration with Syria Deeply, a digital news outlet covering the Syrian crisis. It was translated from the Arabic by Mais Istanbelli.