Illustration by Maxine Crump.

Illustration by Maxine Crump.

Hey weirdos and weirdettes, it’s me: Ashley Fontaine McGee, back with another edition of your favorite Camp Sunrise Bugle column, Spill It, in which I collect MEGA cringe-worthy tales from our fellow campers and offer my amazing advice on how to handle embarrassing situations! This week, it’s all about summer crushes gone wrong. I can barely even!!!! Let’s get spilling!

Dear Ashley,
Well, this one time, when I was trying to make out with my summer fling on the beach, a seagull flew over us and pooped in my hair. I mean, we kept making out, but it was gross. What should I do if I find myself covered in bird poo again? Is there ANY way to make it romantic?

Poop Hair

Dearest Darling Poop Hair,

There’s a superstition that if a bird poops on you, it’s actually good luck! Hopefully it’s a sign that your love will last!!! The fact that you kept making out is a good sign, because it means your summer fling was more into YOU than they were into POO, you know?

If it happens again, maybe you should consider finding a new place to make out. Like, once is kind of funny, but twice means you’re probably kissing in a bird toilet zone and need to rethink your situation. As for romance, I guess maybe you could swim in the ocean together to try to rinse the bird poo off? Think of it as a glamorous hair mask that only nature can provide. Also, maybe consider buying a hat.


Dear Ashley,

I’ve never had a summer romance. Is that supposed to be embarrassing? Because I’m not embarrassed about it. (I AM embarrassed about the time my little brother wrote “I AM DUM” on my back in sunscreen while I was sleeping, though. I was mostly embarrassed because my brother can’t spell dumb.)

Thanks for reading,

Dearest Beautiful Dum,

It is totally not embarrassing that you’ve never had a summer romance!!! I’ve never had one either, despite numerous attempts at winning over the person of my dreams via an intense combo of telepathy and remembering to wear deodorant on hot days. Sometimes romance just isn’t in the air, or you’re just not ready for it yet, and that is totally cool!!!

As for your brother, OMG! I can’t believe he did that to you! Wearing a shirt over your suit will take care of that. The best cure, though, is good old fashioned revenge! For ideas, please consult Jace Bradley in Bunk C, aka Joker Jace, aka “that kid who put a fake rat into Counselor Dave’s bunk and made him scream so loud he woke up half the camp.” Take it to the experts, you know?


Dear Ashley,
Um, hi? I guess this is a preemptive strike of sorts because I haven’t been embarassed (SP? I always spell it wrong I hate words with so many double letters ughhhh) yet but I am anticipating being embarassed (SP again?) because I want to ask someone to the camp dance but I’m pretty sure they will say no and I’m not sure I can handle the rejection. What should I do? Should I ask this person or maybe go to the dance and see if I can work up the courage then or should I just avoid the scene entirely and play UNO with Nurse Kepler in the infirmary while everyone else has a romantic night?

Please help,
Scaredy Cat

Dearest Darling Magnificent Scaredy Cat,

You are setting yourself up for a fall, super babe person! The way you have it in your mind, the person has already said no. And so what if they do? It doesn’t mean you need to be embarrassed (two r’s, two s’s). If anything, you should be proud of yourself for taking a shot, because it’s a brave and awesome thing to do!

You never know—maybe your crush will say YES, and you will end up dancing the night away! And if they say no, don’t stress (and don’t play UNO with Nurse Kepler—she is merciless and somehow always gets the Draw Four card!!!) and come to the dance anyway. If you need someone to hit the floor with, come find me and my best friend Jenny Asher from Bunk 4! We’ll be the ones dancing terribly and laughing really loud and drinking copious amounts of bug juice!

Either way, you have someone who thinks you are cool ready to party with you, all because you were brave enough to ask this question! See! You can do it!!!

Stay Cool,

Dear Ashley,

My summer love and I were getting ice cream on the boardwalk as the sun set. It was super romantic. My date started getting nervous as the sun went down, but I convinced them to stay, because everything seemed so perfect. What a silly move that was! As soon as the sun went down, my partner transformed into a werewolf and tried to eat everyone at the beach. I had to explain the situation to passersby and distract my love by throwing hot dogs into the ocean for them to chase after. My car smelled like wet dog for weeks. It was mortifying. That’s the last time I encourage anyone to break curfew against their will.

Dearest Darling Sensational Wolfie,

LOL I know this is you Joker Jace!! Nice try! Maybe next time, try to find a sweetheart who isn’t cursed for all eternity (like a certain advice columnist, maybe? OMG!)

Freaking Out But Following My Own Advice,

Well, that’s all for this week, darling Camperoonis! Be sure to check out Spill It! column, where we’ll be discussing everything from accidentally peeing your pants to having s’mores stuck in your braces! Until then, stay neato, and avoid the mosquitos!!! ♦