I attended my first ever prom this week. Like every first experience in life, from prom, I gained vast knowledge.
1. Adults are far more invested in “The Prom Experience” than anyone actually attending.
a. Surprisingly, it is not that uncomfortable being incessantly photographed by said adults for an hour or two when you’ve spent $120 and an hour or two perfecting your appearance.
b. Adults will assume you are dating your date. I assume prom was some kind of courting/mating ritual during their time.
2. Prom is very much like an upper-middle-class kid’s Bat Mitzvah, sans Kanye sunglasses, Costco socks, personalized kippahs, and rigged party games. (However, there are chocolate fountains.)
3. The music at prom will not be good. Your best shot at enjoying the music is waiting for a novelty 2000s hit, like “Lip Gloss” to be played. Otherwise, expect a lot of Pitbull and Katy Perry. The slowest the music will get is Ed Sheeran. The most alternative is Jimmy Eat World.
a. If your prom is fancy enough to take place in New Jersey, expect Jersey club remixes. While these songs are very fun to dance to, remember that you are likely wearing an expensive get-up, and sweat stains.
4. In fancy banquet halls, there are bathroom attendants who hand you towels after you wash your hands. In some cases, they do not speak. If the hundreds of dollars spent on your ensemble, flowers, ride, and prom ticket did not remind you of your privilege, accepting a hand towel from this attendant will.
5. Previously “cool” moms lose their cool when introduced to the prospect of you partying with older boys and illicit substances after prom.
a. If you are persistent and nice, you will be granted this opportunity, but count your blessings, and check in with your perturbed mother often.
i. A perturbed mother may make you attend school the next day, in an effort to save on absences. Make responsible decisions the night before or school will be hell.
6. Once prom photos are posted to Facebook, everyone will change their profile picture at the exact same time. It will be overwhelming. Make sure you are ready. ♦